Adam Banks: Fashion Police
by RnBwRvrGrl and Digital Tempest
Summary: [Series] Adam takes it upon himself to rid Eden Hall of all their fashion blunders including his friends, his enemies, and his teachers. -- Ch. 05: Adam vs. Dean's Dingy Bandanna [coming soon] Ch. 06: Adam vs. The Harry Potter Fan
1. Victim 1

**Title: Adam Banks: Fashion Police******

**Rating: PG-13******

**Author(s): Tempest and Sparkle******

**Email: mortal_belleza@hotmail.com (Tempest) or rnbwrvrgrl@cherriemail.com (Sparkle)**

**Disclaimer: We don't own them; Disney does. We're just having a little fun with them to amuse ourselves and others. We will returned them unharmed and by curfew. :)**

**Authors' notes: We know it doesn't make sense; that's the beauty of it. It's just suppose to be entertaining, so please don't get all roused up about it. Don't like it? Feel free to flame. S'mores are no good without the flames. Besides, we'll only make you a victim in our upcoming chapters. **

**~*~**

**Adam vs. the Green and Blue Plaid Vest**

Adam walked down the expansive hallways of Eden Hall with a contented. Everything was right with the world, or so it seemed. The Ducks had recently won yet another championship for the school, his father had finally given in to buying him a _new car, and Kathy -- the tennis player -- had finally agreed to go out with him tomorrow night after all his pestering. Oh yes, life was good for Adam Banks._

School had ended for the day, and Adam was more than anxious to meet up with his friends. They were going to Wendy's to celebrate the arrival of the weekend. Adam whistled a tune to himself as he made the trek across campus to the dorm room. He thought about the yummy burger he was going to enjoy while he laughed with his friends about the events that had happened at school earlier that day.

Adam entered into his dorm room where Charlie sat in a chair reading a sports magazine. Adam sauntered over to his closet and rummaged through his wardrobe. What would be nice for a night out with your friends? Should he wear the white POLO shirt? No, white made his skin look to sallow in the winter, even though he thought the material of the shirt felt heavenly against his skin. Maybe, he should go with a nice heather gray or navy blue instead. 

 "What are you doing?" Charlie asked incredulously, bringing Adam out of his debating thoughts. He knew that Adam could be a real fashion freak at times, but he didn't realize how much it was starting to take hold of Adam. "I know you're not looking for something else to wear. What's wrong with what you've got on now?"

Adam looked down at his pressed, dark khaki pants and his black POLO shirt, and then looked back at Charlie horrified. "I wore this all day, during class." Adam said, his eyes widening with dismay. Did Charlie really expect him to wear the _same outfit all day? "Just because you would be comfortable running around in a burlap bag, doesn't mean that we all share your sentiments, Charlie." Adam added haughtily. _

Adam eyed Charlie's wardrobe with a critical eye. It seemed decent enough. Plain white t-shirt and jeans couldn't go wrong with that classic combination. Adam cringed at the shoes, which held a horrid shade of orange that matched nothing Charlie had on, but he would overlook it… this once.  Not everyone could be a fashion guru like himself. 

"We don't have time for you to play dress-up now, Adam. We're supposed to be meeting everyone in the quad in five minutes." Charlie added, standing up. 

Adam reluctantly put the shirts back in his closet, longingly rubbing the material just one last time. "I guess what I have on will have to do then." He grumbled. His mood was quickly starting to dissipate. He knew he shouldn't have dawdled coming from his last class. Now, he didn't have time to pick out a nice color scheme for the sunny, autumn day. Adam exhaled piteously as he followed Charlie out of the room and to the quad.

Adam inspected each of his friends once they arrived at the quad. No friends of his were going to go out with him looking like something the cat drug in. He studied all his friends pointing out the weaknesses and the strengths of each of their outfits, but he hadn't seen anything that really offended him yet, but there was someone missing.

"Where's Luis?" Adam asked. He wasn't leaving that quad without making sure that all his friends were in decent clothing -- no exceptions.

"He's coming. He was held up after our last class. He needed to get some notes from Mrs. Brisco." Ken said, and Adam visibly cringed at the sound of Mrs. Brisco's name. Of all the teachers in Eden Hall, Mrs. Brisco had to be the most awful dressed he had ever encountered. She always wore hideous pink shoes that made Adam want to puke up his lunch.

"Hey guys! I'm coming!" Adam heard Luis yell behind him. Instantly, something inside of Adam perked up and screamed at him. Something wasn't right.

Adam's senses continued to tingle with an exigency, and he turned quickly to face Luis. Adam nearly screamed in abject revulsion as he watched Luis jog to the group. Did Luis realize that he was a walking tragedy? It was up to Adam to right the wrong. Adam felt he was preordained to make sure catastrophes such as this didn't happen.

"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" Adam screamed, running to meet the boy halfway. Adam put his hands over his face, fearing the fashion error would blind him. He knew his day was going to get worse, but this was problem he could fix.

Luis stared blankly at Adam. What the hell was Adam complaining about now? Adam was known to have an aneurysm about something at least once a day.  Luis looked down at his green shirt, green and blue plaid vest, jeans, and black sneakers. He shrugged as he said, "Clothes."

"You clash! I DEMAND you take that…that… vile piece of material off, right this instant." Adam demanded; he could feel his anger growing with each passing second.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Luis shrugged.

"That vest! _It's green and blue plaid! And you're wearing it with a GREEN shirt!" Adam spat. He pointed at it, afraid to touch it. It might pollute him with bad style logic. He didn't have anything against plaid, per se, but that vest was atrocious. Didn't anyone teach Luis good fashion sense? Adam felt like slapping him._

"Oh this?" Luis asked, plucking at the offending garment. "I bought this at a discount store back in Miami."

"Discount store? You didn't say that despicable word." Adam squealed, covering his ears. Discount stores might as well be a pseudonym for Hell in Adam's book. He could feel his stomach rumbling at the mere mention of a 'discount store'. Luis took that opportunity to try to walk by the maniac Adam, but Adam caught his arm. "You should have left it in the _discount store. Take… it… off… NOW!" Adam growled._

"Adam, it's no big deal. Let it go, man." Guy said, coming to Luis' aid.

No big deal? He wasn't about to let that go. The green Luis' shirt didn't even match the green in his vest. That made it doubly worse. Who taught Luis how to match colors? Did they find it amusing for Luis to walk around looking as if he belonged in some circus? No, it wouldn't be fair to the team if Adam allowed him to clash. "He will not destabilize my high-quality fashion progressions with _this." Adam argued, waving a hand up at Luis' vest. "You will take it off now, Mendoza."_

Adam stood in a predatory stance, ready to pounce if Luis ignored him. "Settle down, Adam. You're getting a little too worked up over the vest, man." Luis said, plucking at the vest once again. 

As if the action signaled the beginning of a battle, Adam's hands shot out and grabbed the vest. He began to shake Luis violently as he tried to rip the material from his body. "YOU WILL NOT WEAR THIS!" Adam yelled, trying with all his strength to rip the fiendish material. Adam refused to be offended any longer by that blunder.

Luis tried to pull away from Adam, but only succeeded in falling over and allowing Adam to pin him as he continued to yank at the vest. "Ow! Watch the face! HELP!" Luis cried. He tried to wiggle from under Adam, but it was no use. Luis yelped as the material began to give way to Adam's persistent jerks.

Dean and Fulton took it upon themselves to try to save the poor boy from Adam's clutches. They pulled Adam with all their might, but Adam clung tightly to the vest. He would not be satisfied until it was obliterated. "This vest has to DIE!" Adam continued to yell as he tugged at the vest, and the two bigger boys tugged at him.

"I don't think we can hold on any longer." Fulton said through clenched teeth of concentration, as Adam continued to scream like a madman.

"HE'S PULLING SKIN! GET HIM OFF ME!" Luis shrieked in a frantic voice. Adam continued to claw at his vest, and Luis feared for Adam's sanity as well as his own life. 

"VEST! DIE! NOW!" Adam snarled, reverting to cave man talk. He had lost all touch with the English language, and he wouldn't fully regain his senses until the evil vest had given up its futile struggle. Did the vest know it was no match for Adam Banks? 

Finally, the vest having put up a good fight gave way, and Adam held the torn vest triumphantly in his hands. He threw it on the ground and spat on it evilly. "Never again will you be able to plague the life of my friends. I've beaten you."

Adam's victory speech was cut short as Dean began to shake him with vigor. "What the fuck's wrong with you?" Dean didn't give him a chance to answer as he shook him even harder. 

"He didn't match!" Adam said between shakes. Dean stopped shaking Adam as his eyes began to water. Didn't they understand? He had only pounced on Luis to save his poor, fashionless soul. 

"What kind of excuse to attack me is that?" Luis asked, holding his neck. "I think I've got whiplash. Shake him again until he loses consciousness." Luis grumbled, and Dean would have happily obliged. However, Charlie stepped in.

"C'mon, you guys. Adam say you're sorry to Luis, and let's get out of here. I'm starving. We can talk about this over a burger and fries." Charlie said, obviously annoyed.

Adam began to protest, but Charlie shot him a withering glance. "I'm sorry about your… your… ugly vest." Adam said, not really meaning it. He would never be sorry for putting that hideous vest out of its misery. Luis muttered a curt reply accepting. Adam cast one last look at the pieces of the vest and stomped on them as if they were an insect.

The group settled down and finally they were on their way. Luis made it a point to walk as far away from Adam as he could get, but Adam was content for the moment.  "I bet Luis won't make that mistake again. From now on, he'll make sure he's matching." Adam heard Connie to Julie snigger behind him, and he turned to look at her.

"I wouldn't talk little Miss Ugly Black shoes. If I were you, I'd burn those things." Adam said snidely with a warning glare, and Connie blushed. She would remember that. She didn't want to be his next victim. 


	2. Victim 2

**Adam vs. Julie's Closet**

            Julie woke up Monday morning feeling refreshed. She had gone to bed early the night before; she hadn't been getting much sleep while the playoffs were going on, but now that they were over, she felt more relaxed. She rose from her bed and did the usual routine of showering and dressing for the day's activities. She took no mind to the clothes she wore as she threw on a pair of purple jogging pants and a plain black shirt. 

            Morning classes went by swiftly for Julie, they always did. She enjoyed school and classes just as much as she enjoyed hockey. She wasn't afraid to admit that she was very smart; she liked people to know that she was athletic and intelligent. She even took pride in flexing her mental muscle, but there was one person she wasn't ready for, Adam Banks.

            It was nearing lunchtime before Adam saw her atrocious fault in fashion. "So, we went…" Adam stopped short as he saw Julie walking down the hallway. He had been recounting his fabulous date to Dwayne, Ken, and Russ when he noticed those ugly pants. He couldn't believe that one of his friends could wear something so awful. "Excuse me, guys; I need to talk to Julie." He didn't even offer them a goodbye as he sped down the hallway after her. 

            Adam cornered Julie as she was going to the cafeteria for lunch. She looked taken aback as he grabbed her arm sternly and pulled her into a corner of the hallway. He glared at her viciously, eyeing her from head to toe. An occasional tsk escaped his lips, and Julie wondered what she had done to irritate Adam. "Julie, really… I have nothing against the tomboy look, but this is ridiculous, and those pants are awful. Purple sweatpants, ugh. I think you should go back to your room and put on something more appropriate." Adam said in a patronizing tone.

            Julie laughed at Adam until she realized that he was dead serious. "Adam, I can't just go back to my room and change. I'll miss lunch. I'm comfortable in this. I'm not trying to impress anyone." She said, and Adam's frown deepened.

            "You always dress to impress, and Julie, _purple sweatpants? They look horrible on you." Adam stated, and he was telling the truth. Who in their right mind walked around school in purple sweatpants? Comfortable or not, she was committing a horrible sin. "They're not even long enough. You're flooding horribly." _

He noted that she was also wearing white socks when she should be wearing black to match her shirt. Didn't these people know anything about color coordination? He hated sweatpants, and he had given up on them two years before. They were never long enough, no matter how big you bought them. Who in their right mind would want to walk out of their house with those dreadful things on? They were a big fashion don't in his book. 

He wanted to cry. How could a moderately attractive girl like Julie just let herself go like that? Why hadn't someone pointed out the errors of her ways? She was his friend, and he wouldn't have her walking around this school looking like a ruffian. He could deal with her walking around looking plain as long as she did so in a reasonably fashionable manner. He was taking it upon himself to show her the light.

"Adam, what are you going to do? Rip my pants off like you did Luis' vest?" Julie asked sarcastically, referring to the all too recent vest incident in which Adam destroyed Luis' green and blue, plaid vest. 

Adam cringed at the mention of the foul garment; he still had nightmares about that vest thanks to Luis. "No, you know I couldn't do that. I don't think that would be too proper." He answered sadly, feeling as if he were losing the battle with Julie's horrible tastes in attire. "But Julie, look at yourself. You've got your hair severely pulled back, and don't even get me started on how horrible your make up looks. Then to top it all off, you wear those hideous sweatpants. Have you no shame, woman?"

"I'll keep your fashion advice in mind next time I feel like impressing other people. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm missing lunch." Julie said brightly before Adam could protest. She thought she had outwitted the fashion Nazi. "By the way, you've got a hair out of place."

Adam instantly began to smooth his hair. "This isn't over Gaffney, not by a long shot." He called after her, but she responded with a denigrating chuckle. Adam gritted his teeth as he turned and walked away; a plan was formulating in his mind. "She doesn't want to make herself look presentable, so I guess I'll have to do it for her."

Later that day, he went to the girls' room in search of Julie. He would try one more time to try to talk some sense into her. The first thing he noticed when he walked into their room was that she still has those pants on. He couldn't help but stare at them hatefully. How dare they taunt him with their atrociousness. 

"What are you staring at?" Julie asked, mildly amused. She had no doubt that he was there to argue with her about the evilness of sweatpants -- purple sweatpants in particular. 

"Your God awful pants," he said honestly and looked Julie in her eyes. He could see the laughter threatening to escape from her lips, but by God, this was no laughing matter. People were killed for lesser offenses, and if it were up to him, the creator of purple sweatpants would die a horrible, bloody death. 

"Adam, once again, I'm comfortable in them. Shouldn't that be my main concern?" Julie asked.

"But Juuuuullliiiieeee," Adam whined. "They're purple sweatpants. Even a homeless person wouldn't wear _those." Adam put his hands dramatically over his heart, his eyes began water at his apparent grief of the situation._

"Adam --" Julie started but was cut off.

"They're just so ugly. How can you live with yourself knowing that you wear purple sweatpants?" The tears threatened to spill from his watery eyes. Couldn't she see he was doing this for her own sake? He continued to whine, but she wouldn't listen to reason. 

"Goodbye, Adam." She said, shooing him towards the door. 

Adam spent the rest of his evening planning how he was going to tame "The Cat". He quietly gathered his materials that night while Charlie slept and slipped them meticulously into his backpack.  She wouldn't get away with her injustice. She would see that he was only trying to do what was best for her. 

The next day, Julie wore a pair of green sweatpants. This time she wore a white shirt and purple socks. Adam felt like strangling her, but instead, he smiled at her dazzlingly. She was trying to vex him of course. She was doing a good job of it, but he would have the last laugh. 

During lunch, he slipped across the quad and into the girls' dorms. He picked the lock of Julie and Connie's room, a trick he had learned from Dean. He walked into their room. This time taking note of the horrible decorating they had done. There were gaudy, flowered curtains over their window. "I'll deal with those later." He said, frowning. 

He went to Julie's closet and opened the door. From his book bag, he pulled a pair of scissors and went to work. He pulled a yellow shirt from the closet. "Yuck! Too bright. Who does she think she is? Big Bird?" He went through every piece of garment, making comments. 

By the time he was done, a pile of cut up clothes lay on the floor about him, and he had a satisfied grin on his face. He hadn't cut them all up. He had left her some decent clothing to make some nice outfits out of. His work was done. He started to put up his trusty scissors when he noticed those unsightly curtains. He continuously opened and closed the scissors as he grinned maliciously and walked towards those appalling curtains…

**~*~**

"Oh my God, what happened to all my clothes?" Julie asked as she picked up the shredded garments. She went to her closet and found a few items left unharmed. 

"What the hell happened to my curtains?" Connie asked, picking up the remains of her curtains off the floor. 

"ADAM!" Both girls screamed looking at each other.

In his own room, Adam snickered delightfully, knowing the girls had found their wonderful surprise. He wanted to tell someone how he had single-handedly saved Julie from being a walking disaster, but the others might not find it too funny. "Oh well, one day I'll tell my grandkids about this. The day that I  Adam the fashion victim slayer, defeated Julie's closet."


	3. Victim 3

**Adam vs. the Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt**

            Adam stood at his locker surrounded by his friends. He was nervous and flustered; he was having a geometry test first thing in the morning. He didn't know if he would be able to concentrate if he had to look at Mrs. Brisco's awful pink shoes during his test. Maybe, if he just pointed out that pink didn't go with everything, she would give up those damn shoes.

"Alicia Bennington is so hot." Luis said, looking in the direction of the girl. The other guys mumbled in agreement, appreciating her womanly features. 

Adam didn't look up from his book as he continued to try to memorize geometry formulas. He didn't have time to look at 'hot' girls. He had a test to prepare for. Adam for one knew that Alicia Bennington was a wealthy, panache-less girl. It was a shame her daddy couldn't afford to buy her some sense of fashion.

            "Forget it. She'll never date someone like you. She's got too much style and class." Guy said, and the others laughed. 

            Style? Where they talking about the same Alicia Bennington that wore cowboy boots over her jeans? Even Dwayne had more fashion sense than that. Adam took this opportunity to look up from his book and peered in the direction the guys were looking.

            "I just don't understand." Adam mused eyeing the ghastly Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt Alicia was wearing. That wasn't his only qualm with her outfit… or her. Those baggy jeans were a sore vision, she was wearing socks with those formal shoes, and who in the hell was that girl's hairdresser? Her hair was huge.

            "I don't understand how she got that fine either, Adam." Luis said. He was still weary of Adam, but after the fiasco with Julie's closet, Luis had to admit that maybe Adam did have a point. Julie had been dressing a lot better these days, and as much as they hated to admit it, they had Adam to thank for that small miracle. 

            "Fine?" Adam scoffed. There was nothing _fine about that girl, not as long as she looked like some fashion reject. "You'd think with all the bragging she does about her parent's wealth, she would get a decent fashion advisor. I will not stand for this."_

            Adam dropped his books on the floor, much to the chagrin of his friends. He couldn't let a girl of her caliber walk around looking like she belonged in a public school. A look of sheer determination masked Adam's face as he marched over to where Alicia and her friends stood laughing over something one of them just said. "Girl, that is a Diva don't." Adam said, snapping his fingers for emphasis.

            "What?" Alicia said taken aback by Adam's sudden outburst.

            "You are a walking debacle, and I won't allow this to go on. I'll admit. That shirt first caught my eye. It's horrible. Why do you wear that?" Adam asked, frowning at the shirt. 

            "Are you insane? This is Tommy Hilfiger." Alicia said haughtily. Her friend snickered, and she wondered if Adam knew who Tommy Hilfiger even was. She supposed he did. He was well dressed. Her eyes quietly counted the expensiveness of his outfit. He was the 'rich boy' of the rag-tag hockey team that had entered Eden Hall 2 years before. 

            "Why do you want to wear a poorly made t-shirt with a designer's name on it?" Adam asked. Alicia opened her mouth to respond, but Adam quickly continued. "Either you are completely clueless, or you can't afford the real thing. You're a walking billboard. You know that, right? You should just write LOSER across your forehead."

            Alicia's friend gasped at his frankness. No one had ever told Alicia that she was a fashion disaster. She was the one of the richest girls in school. Alicia opened and closed her mouth like a fish, not knowing how to respond. Finally she spoke, "Why should I care what you think?" She asked half-heartedly. By now, people had started gathering to see what was going on.

            "Be honest with yourself Alicia. They're all laughing at you, and your horrible style. You need someone to be honest with you, and I'm not afraid to tell you exactly what's wrong. You friends should be more honest with you." Adam eyed her friends. "But then again, they don't have much fashion know-how either."

            Her friends all looked away embarrassed that one boy was making a spectacle out of them, and Adam decided they should be embarrassed for daring to walk out their houses like that. "And those baggy jeans, puh-leeze, did your tailor take a vacation? Baggy is out girl. You attend Eden Hall, not Thug Academy." Adam complained, shaking his head unhappily. 

            Adam's heated discussion rang through the hallways, and his friends groaned. Well, there goes their chance to get in good with Alicia. Charlie walked up to his friends. "Adam's at it again, isn't he?" He asked when he saw Adam shaking his finger at Alicia.  Alicia's face was rapidly falling, and soon the tears would come.

            "Yep." Dwayne said. 

            "Poor girl, she should have just not come to school today." Charlie commented. 

            Alicia finally burst out into tears, but tears didn't affect Adam when he was convinced there was a fashion calamity was taking place. He had no mercy on the ill advised. They should have better sense than to just think they could pick up anything old thing off the rack and make it fashionable. He would have to hurt people's feelings to make them see the light. 

            "Those shoes do not go with socks. You do not wear socks with dressy shoes or sandals. And what's with that tall hair? I know you're a religious person, and you want to be closer to God, but that high hair is not the way to go. I don't even think God can forgive that, and I can't let you walk around like this. I'll have to insist that you go home and put something suitable on." Adam continued. 

            Various thoughts began to run through Alicia's mind. Was she really setting a bad fashion example? How could she have been so dumb? She was no better than a commoner was if she didn't have any style sense. Fresh tears built up and she sobbed harder. "I-I don't know what would be suitable." Alicia said between sobs, and Adam patted her gently on the shoulder. 

            "There, there, now. Don't cry. You're a real mess, but I can help you." Adam said reassuringly. "Come on let's get you out of here, and first's things first. We will burn that horrible shirt. Then we'll make you an emergency appointment with my stylist Raul. You'll look as good as your money in no time. Who cares about a geometry test? This is serious business."

            Adam's friends looked amazed as he walked by with the sobbing girl clinging to him for support. "Maybe, I should become a fashion mogul if it's going to land me babes like that." Guy said. 

            "You've got to get a sense of style first." Charlie said critically and then sighed. He had been spending too much time with Adam. All Adam's constant babbling about color schemes and fabric was starting to rub off on him. 

*

**Authors' notes: Just for the record. We're not saying that wearing any of the things mentioned in this fic is wrong or tasteless. We promote individuality, but for humor purposes, we're poking fun at this stuff.  Some of this stuff we read about in fashion articles, and some of it just comes from our imagination. Please, don't get offended. **


	4. Victim 4

**Adam vs. The Tacky Pink Shoes**

            Mrs. Brisco the math teacher started her morning like any other. She took a quick shower, ate a light breakfast, and put on a gray dress complete with pink pumps. She breathed in the fresh morning air. "Today is going to be a beautiful day," she said aloud to herself. What she didn't know was that day would be the day her life was forever changed by a student named Adam Banks…

The shoes clacked down the hallway, causing Adam to wince. He could tell from the way they clattered down the hall they were a pair of hideous pink shoes that came from Payless. He grinded his molars as he tried to fight the urge to run after the teacher and tackle her. Mrs. Brisco's face appeared before him, mocking everything he stood for and against. He senses burned. He had ignored it long enough! It was time to put an end to those shoes.

Adam stood up defiantly, his Spanish teacher looking at him questioningly. "Adam, what's wrong?" He asked.

"I have to save Mrs. Brisco! And as for you, Mr. Corridori, I've had to stare at that same UGLY tie for a week. I think I might need to have a little talk with you after school." Mr. Corridor put a hand over his tie. Adam's fashion exploits were spreading around the school like wildfire. Students and teachers alike cringed in fear when they saw Adam walking down the hallway.

Adam walked down the hallway purposely. This was Mrs. Brisco lunch period, so he had exactly an hour to talk some sense into her. He made a quick detour to the Chemistry lab. The Chemistry teacher, Ms. Thorn, looked at him questioningly. Was he there to chew her out about white shoes she was wearing? She cowered in fear, the chattering of students' teeth filling the room. Was Adam going to attack them all?

Adam surveyed the room critically. He picked up the first chemical he saw that said flammable and snatched a pack of matches out of a kid's hands. He also picked up a pair of flame-retardant gloves. "Please don't burn me! I'll take it off!" Screamed a girl as she quickly pulled off an atrocious army green bucket hat. 

Adam didn't address her. "I'm going to borrow this. Mr. I-wear-two-different-shades-of-black on the last table, I demand you go home. Ms. Green-streaks-are-cool on the first table, I am making you an appointment with my stylist Raul, and Ms. Thorn, why are you wearing those god-awful white shoes with that outfit? You have been warned."

The boy in the black immediately ran from the room, and the girl with the green streaks in her hair burst into tears. Ms. Thorn turned an indescribable shade of red. Adam eyed them all again. "This room is full of fashion violations. I WILL be back right after I take care of Mrs. Brisco." A frightful gasp filled the room. Oh no! He was coming back for them. 

"Nooooooo!" One boy screamed, running toward a window. He tried to throw himself from the open window, but two students pulled him back before he could do the deed.

Adam exited the Chemistry room with his weapons in hand. He barged into Mrs. Brisco's room where she was eating a chicken salad. She peered at him over her glasses. "Do you need something?"

"Yes, I do. I don't know if you know me or not. I'm Adam Banks. I have friends in your math class. I have a little problem with you." Adam said through clenched teeth eyeing the shoes.

"What?" She asked incredulously. 

"I'm going to tell you a story, Mrs. Brisco, and you listen carefully. Once upon a time, there was a moderately attractive woman named Sherri. She was very smart, but she had no fashion sense, which made her none too popular with the boys and girls alike. Sherri graduated from college without ever having a date. Some like to say she'd never been kiss."

"Adam –" She started, but he quickly cut her off.

Adam put his hands on his hips and rolled his neck and eyes. "No, you need to hear this, so DON'T interrupt me! Now, where was I? Oh yes, Sherri married a man named Phillip who didn't care about her fashion sense probably because he didn't care about his own fashion sense. They were a charming couple, but they didn't know how to dress, so people shied away from them."

"What does –"

"Excuse me, you're interrupting again." Adam huffed. He started pouring the chemical on her shoes. She didn't even notice; she was too flabbergasted by the student standing in front of her. "To make a long story short, Sherri and Phillip lived in their obliviousness until one day Phillip got a style consultant. Phillip started dressing better, but Sherri REFUSED to be helped. So Phillip left poor Sherri to wallow in her own bad fashion."

"Are you implying my husband left me because I don't know how to dress?" Adam had touched a sore spot with her, but he didn't care. Someone needed to save that woman. She had "Save me" written all over her forehead. 

"YES! YOU WEAR PINK SHOES WITH _EVERYTHING! HOW COULD YOU!" Adam's eyes started to tear up as his emotions got the best of him. He sniffled. "Excuse me. I just get emotional when I see someone in need. Now, you sit really still this isn't going to hurt ONE BIT." Adam lit a match and dropped it on her shoes._

Mrs. Brisco started to scream as the shoes burst into flames. She quickly kicked the shoes from her feet. Adam pulled on the gloves and calmly picked up the shoes. He walked across the classroom and threw them out the window. "GOODBYE PINK SHOES! YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER!" 

He turned back toward Mrs. Brisco who pushed herself into a corner. "Don't worry the horror is over. Now let's see what we can do about that ugly gray dress and that 70's hairstyle." He grabbed a pair of scissors off her desk. She pushed herself further into the corner as he walked toward her.

"You're crazy! Please! PLEASE NOOOOOOOOO…!" Mrs. Brisco screamed as his shadow darkened her world. 

Adam slapped his hands together happily once he finished with Mrs. Brisco. Now, it was time to go back to the Chem lab. Most of those kids were an accident waiting to happen.

            A few weeks later, a plaque was set up in the quad. It read: Here lies Mrs. Brisco pink shoes. Killed on that faithful day of October 1st by Adam Banks. God bless their soul and GOOD RIDDANCE. 

*

Next chapter: Adam vs. Dean's Dingy Bandanna 


	5. Victim 5

**Adam vs. Dean's Dingy Bandanna**

            Adam knew he could be a bit of a fashion Nazi, and he reveled in his many conquests of fashion, but even Adam wasn't brave enough to flat out tell Dean that his bandanna needed to die. He would have to be more tactful than that lest he spawn the wrath of Dean Portman, and he just didn't think it would be too much fun to find himself sailing headfirst into the school dumpster. 

            He would reason with Dean, and if Dean failed to comply with Adam's simple demands, he would show him who's boss… maybe… Surely, Dean would understand that his fashion faux pas was horrible, but forgivable even the eyes of Adam. He let him get away with walking around looking a death metal band reject. Honestly, who still listens to Slayer? It was all about Christiana Aguilera now.

            Dean's bandanna had been the thorn in Adam's side since the boy joined the team. Sometimes, Adam would find himself daydreaming about torching Dean's head to get rid of that God-awful bandanna. If often proved just the distraction Adam needed to get him off his game. Adam thought it might be permanently attached to his head with some weird hockey boy sweat. He was rarely seen without the bandanna.

            And girls actually thought that was sexy! Adam snorted to himself. What was wrong with today's female population? Hello, didn't they know a fashion don't when they see one? Adam spotted Dean standing as his locker, the sight of that bandanna causing his eye to twitch. He walked bravely over to Dean and said, "Dean, I need to talk to you."

            "What's up?" Dean said, not looking at him. The boy was really oblivious to his mistake. Adam felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He hated to see poor misguided souls. There should be some kind of campaign for people as clueless as Dean, and Adam could be the spokesperson. He could call it "Adopt A Fashion Freak".

            "Definitely not that bandanna. I mean… Dean, let's be reasonable here. You never take that thing off by choice. The skulls are starting to fade off it for Christ's sake. I could buy you a nice, new bandanna, just please take that dingy thing off." Adam said all in one breath. Dean frowned at Adam. "Don't take it personal. You're a great guy, but that bandanna screams 1985. And trust me everyone wants to forget the 80's existed."

            "This is my lucky bandanna. I never, repeat never, go anywhere without it."

            "Okay, I understand that, but could you at least not wear it on your head. It's very offensive." Adam said, trying to put his pain and frustration with Dean into words.

            "Offensive to who?"

            "ME! Of course! Do you know how hard it is to endure the pain of that…that thing! Dean, you're supposed to be my friend." Adam said angrily, pacing in front of the boy. "I thought after everything we've been through you'd at least care enough about me to not do something like that? Do you see Fulton wearing a dingy bandanna? No, and you know why? _BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND!"_

            "Dude, chill."

            "I will not 'chill' until you do what you know is right and burn that bandanna." Adam was starting to get that familiar gleam in his eye as he eyed Dean's bandanna. A half-faded skull grinned at him, teasing him mercilessly. Adam clenched his fists, trying to restrain himself from ripping it from Dean's head himself, but he knew that would be like committing suicide. 

            "Adam, have you thought about talking to the school counselor because you're seriously losing it, dude."

            "And will you STOP saying dude. That's so California Surfer boy, and in case you haven't noticed we're in MINNESOTA!" Adam huffed. "And I don't need to see the counselor because there's nothing she can tell me. Then again, that Mrs. Tubbs is quite a sharp dresser. She had on a navy suit with shoes that matched perfectly –"

            Dean snapped his fingers in front of Adam's dazed eyes. "Earth to Adam. Your village called. They want their idiot back."

            "Very funny, Dean, but you know I always get the last laugh." Adam warned. 

            "If you touch me, I'll kill you." Dean shot back, casting Adam a menacing glance. 

            Adam stared at Dean dreamily. "You know. You've got nice hair. I bet Raul could work wonders on it, add some highlights, slip it a bit, put a little gel in it, and you'd be a new man."

            "There's no way I'm letting anyone named Raul touch my hair." Adam started reaching for Dean, and Dean pulled back. "What the hell are you doing?"

            "Trying to help your hair. You know that haircut does nothing for your eyes. You need a new one." Adam answered. He really was trying to help Dean's hair all while taking that evil bandanna away.

            "This is getting weird. I'm outta here!" Dean snapped, slamming his locker, which caused Adam to jump. 

            "I was just trying to help! Don't go away mad! YOU'LL THANK ME ONE DAY!" Adam screamed desperately after Dean. Runaway from him, would he? Well, Adam would show him. "There's no fury like a Banks scorned."

            His trusty scissors found themselves hidden in his gym locker. Adam smiled sinisterly as he watched Dean parade around the locker room hitting people with a towel.  Adam pulled the scissors out of his locker. After the incident with Julie, Adam had taken the liberty of having his scissors plated in gold with his named engraved in them. He could always trust his scissors to never let him down. 

            Boys cowered in terror as Adam stalked past them with his scissors, stopping every now and then to berate someone for wearing something particularly ugly. Dean was sitting on a bench, buttoning up his shirt, when Adam lifted his scissors high, quickly slipping it under Dean's bandanna closing his eyes and…

            "Dude, did you just cut my bandanna?" Dean put a hand to his head, running his fingers through his hair, stopping when he felt the missing chunk of hair. "DUDE! DID YOU JUST CUT MY HAIR?!"

            "It was an accident." Adam squeaked. Looks like he had gotten a little carried away with the scissors. Who knew in his over-exuberance to get rid of Dean's bandanna he would cut off a chunk of his hair? "I can fix it."

            "Just like I'm going to fix your face!" Dean yelled at him.

            "This is the part where you run." A boy said doubling over in laughter as Adam scampered by him with Dean hot on his trail. Maybe, destroying Dean's bandanna hadn't been such a good idea. 

            "RAUL CAN FIX IT!" Adam said frantically.

            "Can he fix a broken neck too?" Dean said, chasing the smaller boy around the locker room.  

            Adam may have been running for his life from the behemoth, but his chest swelled with pride. Dean would never be able to wear that bandanna again, and now he had no choice but to get a new haircut. And far out in fanfiction.net land, he made two very obsessed fangurlies happy now that they had a lock of Dean's hair. 

*

Sorry this was so short and so non-funny. We will make up for it with the next chapter. Next chapter: Adam vs. The Harry Potter Fan


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